Tuesday, January 16, 2007


This whole thing is really starting to hit me, as I start to think of what losing this baby means. No brand-new child this summer; probably, in fact, no new child at all this year. No little tiny clothes, no sibling for the Cheeto, no reason to wean her now. I'm veering between feeling pretty ok with what's happening to feeling a lot of despair.

And on top of that, my crappy body decided to start bleeding last night. I don't know if it was waiting for my brain to catch up or what, but apparently, my body, having held onto two dead babies for three weeks, cannot wait one more day until I have a D&C. I spoke with my doctor last night and she told me what to expect if I miscarry naturally, and it's terrifying. She described hours of pain and heavy bleeding, which thankfully have not happened yet. But the waiting is killing me. I sent the Boy to work rather than making him sit around waiting with me, but I don't know if that was the right move. I hope that if it happens, it will be either something I can handle while watching the Cheeto, or that I have enough warning before it gets bad to get someone here to help with her.

On that note, thank god for the Cheeto. It's impossible to wallow in grief when I have my sunny, sweet child here. She's so cuddy and loveable, and just the balm I need.

I don't know what's going to happen today; I guess I just have to wait it out.

1 comment:

meh said...

I know we talked today, but I just wanted to send you my love again and to let you know that all my thoughts - and yes, my prayers - are with you. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. Tell Cheeto and the Boy to give you big hugs for me!!!