Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Crash

I wanted so badly to believe in the magical conception-inducing powers of the HSG test. After all, it's worked for so many other people, why not me?

I should have known better. It seems that, reproductively speaking, what works for other people has nothing to do with me. So, no baby for me this month. Frankly, I don't think there will be a baby for me, period (no pun intended). The Boy is dragging his heels on the IVF thing, and I suspect that he's just never going to want to do it. And I simply can't charge ahead knowing that he's only doing it for me. I don't think that would be fair to anyone involved, not least the baby that we could produce. But it's pretty clear that we're not going to be able to do this on our own, at least not in any kind of timely fashion. And I'd rather not have a second child at all that keep going through this, month after month, for years, only to end up with kids too far apart to ever be really close. Maybe it would be best if I just sucked it up, got a job and moved on with my life.

So anyway, big old pity party in the Paranoid house today. I should probably shut up now, before I say even more outrageous, selfish things.

3 comments:

chris said...

Hey. I'm sorry about this. And I'm sorry for never getting back to you about lunch--I've been kind of housebound.

I'd love to talk one of these days.

Take care.

Jana said...

Pity parties are not only OK but totally necessary when struggling with fertility. You're in my thoughts (and prayers if you believe in that kind of thing)......

meh said...

Do you know that I think you totally rock? That I could not handle the things you have handled in your life nearly as well as you have done? that Jana is totally correct that pity parties are NECESSARY and you are entitled to them? I do pray for you. Regardless of your beliefs. And I do want all good things for you. And I do hope that you can find peace and perspective in your life. And maybe, just maybe, it helps to know that lots of people out there totally love you becuase you are exactly you. wonderfully you.