1. If the only time you use the kitchen is to make cocktails, you do not get a vote in how the cooking utensils/spices/cleaning supplies/sippy cups are organized. You may, however, have free reign over the liquor cabinet and our lime supply.
2. That cord on the SwifferVac? That's what makes it go. If you leave it unplugged, then it won't go anymore, and you will have to deal with cheerios and dessicated macaroni on the floor until it recharges. You have nobody to blame but yourself.
3. I am your wife, not your personal chef. I'm happy to make enough food for leftovers so you can bring them for lunch, but instead of ordering specific dishes or telling me what I can and cannot cook for dinner based on your lunchtime whims, how 'bout making a sandwich or buying some Lean Cuisine like a normal person?
4. If you'd forgotten a certain source of money existed, then my wanting to earmark it for IVF is in no way "taking away from our child's college fund." You can't be counting on something you didn't even know you had. Nice try, though.
5. Next time you gripe that I never empty the diaper genie, try to remember the last time you cleaned the cat's litterbox. Ok, ok, you do change the litter when I'm pregnant. Fair's fair. Next time you get pregnant, I'll take over diaper disposal.
6. Just because you're at your mom's house doesn't mean you get to act like a 14-year-old. You still have a child, and you're still responsible for her care and well-being. And no, I will not take over 100% of the childcare responsibilities so you can sleep late, go sailing, swim with your siblings and then rest because you're so tired from all of that leisure time.
7. Thank you for doing the dishes. Next time, however, try to remember that "doing the dishes" means more than loading into the dishwasher only those items which are actually in the sink. That way, I won't come downstairs in the morning to a half-empty dishwasher of clean dishes, and a kitchen table full of the dirty ones you didn't notice.
8. Similarly, if you're going to load the dishwasher, you have to put in all of the parts of the sippy cup, not just the bottom part. Five clean bottoms are useless to me if the tops and valves are all still in the sink. Ditto with tupperware and their tops.
9. It is 75 degrees in this house. It is in no way appropriate to put the baby in fleece footie pajamas. I don't care if they're the first ones you saw, she's getting heatstroke.
10. Doorways are for walking through; doors are meant to be opened and closed. If you stash your shoes/laptop/briefcase/sailing gear in front of the door, you're defeating it's entire reason for being.
11. I am not the amazing kreskin. If you need something, put it on the shopping list. Don't wait until I come back from the store and ask "did you get x-and-such?"