Firsts

I am 32 years old, and on Saturday, for the first time in my life, I bought a pair of sexy shoes for no reason at all.

These shoes are cheap, in every sense of the word. Three inch heels, peep toes, slightly metallic leopard print (though it's black on black, so kind of subtle), with a bow on the back of the heel. And they only cost $8 (you gotta love Target's clearance sales).

I don't know exactly what I was thinking when I bought them, except that they're pretty and unlike anything I've ever owned. But ever since I got them into my hot little hands, my mind has been percolating with ideas for these shoes. Maybe I'll give the Boy a thrill and greet him at the door tonight wearing them (and other clothes, of course! M will be both present in the house and awake when the Boy gets home, and I have no wish to scar her little mind or make her go blind or anything). But, considering that it practically takes an act of Congress to make me put on a skirt these days, me in a dress and these heels should be enough to make The Boy very happy, indeed.

That would be a good thing, after seven months on the infertility carousel. It's kind of sad what's happened to our, ahem, relationship since the ectopic. When we were first trying to have M, just the idea that we could be creating a life was enough to make us both very enthusiastic. And, frankly, it was the same way with the next two pregnancies. But after the ectopic and the discovery that we'd likely have problems getting pregnant again, things had become very tense and pressure-filled, and it had only gotten worse with every unsuccessful month. We'd have the whole "it-doesn't-matter-if-you're-in-the-mood-let's-just-get-this-over-with" thing for half the month, then I'd feel guilty for the other half that The Boy would think I only wanted him for his sperm. All in all, it was a situation not conducive to fun.

So these shoes will be, I think, a first step in reclaiming our life together. We know that there is absolutely nothing that we can do in the privacy of our own home this month that has any bearing on whether we get pregnant or not, so there's no pressure. We're just free to enjoy each others' company. Here's hoping we haven't forgotten how to do that.