Omens

When I was 10 weeks pregnant with M, The Boy got a job offer and we learned we'd be moving to NC. This wasn't a surprise -- we'd agreed several months before that we'd start looking for jobs down here and that we'd move if one of us got an offer. But still, it felt like an omen, that everything was going to be fine, that we were literally starting a new life in a new place.

Right around the time we started IVF, we learned that The Boy's company had acquired another and that, much to the surprise of everyone who wasn't the CEO, the entire NC office would be shut down, putting almost all employees out of work. The Boy, luckily, was probably going to have a job at least for the next year, but around him people were dropping like flies.

At the same time, I decided to start dipping my toes back into the waters of gainful employment. I tried out for a freelance writing gig for a website I liked. I learned on March 17, the day of our transfer, that I didn't get it. At the moment I read that email, I knew our cycle wouldn't work (yes, of course that's ridiculous, but there you are).

And now there's this cycle. I can't say anything specific right now, but things are on the horizon, and they are good. This week feels like we have possibilities again; that a new life is once again ahead of us.

And did I mention I dreamed of a son on Wednesday night? I dreamed we were at a party, the Boy and I, the night before transfer. Only I was already 9 months pregnant, and in labor. I wasn't having contractions (at least, not that I could feel), but the baby was definitely coming. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and I reached down and my son fell into my hands. It's three days later, and I can still feel his warm, slippery body as I cradled him to my chest (all the while, by the way, frantically calling for The Boy to call the clinic and tell them not to thaw our embryos). I woke up crying with joy.

So yeah, omens. I'll probably feel like the world's biggest fool if this cycle doesn't work. But for right now, I really believe it will.